Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
