i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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