Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
