I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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