he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Let's get the cat blown out
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
