When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
