Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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