I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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