I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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