they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
