I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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