Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
