i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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