Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
