Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
