I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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