When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
