So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
