Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
