if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
