The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
