This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
