So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
