so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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