Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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