i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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