That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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