My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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