I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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