He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
