Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
