I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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