I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
