we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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