I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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