Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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