i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
