who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
