I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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