Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize