Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
