You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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