i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
