FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
