I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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