ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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