Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
