Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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