I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
