I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
