my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
