I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
