Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize