i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize