I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize