Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
