He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
