i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
