I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
